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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22474246">My Moderately Well-Kept Secret</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterFairy_21225/pseuds/GlitterFairy_21225'>GlitterFairy_21225</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Acceptance, Adult Losers Club (IT), Barely in here but he just does, Ben Hanscom is a Good Friend, Beverly Marsh &amp; Richie Tozier Are Best Friends, Beverly Marsh is a Good Friend, Bill Denbrough Being an Idiot, Bill is literally just here to get bullied by Richie, Childhood Memories, Coming Out, Drugs, Dumb But Wise Ben Hanscom, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier In Love, Everyone is Alive Except Georgie Denbrough, Flashbacks, Gay Disaster Richie Tozier, Gen, Getting Together, Heterosexual Ben Hanscom, Losers Club (IT) Friendship, Love Confessions, M/M, Mike Hanlon Deserves Nice Things, Minor Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Oblivious Eddie Kaspbrak, POV Richie Tozier, Past Bill Denbrough/Beverly Marsh, Richie Tozier &amp; Stanley Uris Are Best Friends, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is a Little Shit, Richie Tozier is a Mess, Sassy Stanley Uris, Stanley Uris is a Good Friend, Teasing, Teenage Losers Club (IT), The Losers Club (IT) All Appear, The Losers Club (IT) Deserve Happiness, True Love, Underage Drug Use</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 10:48:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,933</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22474246</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterFairy_21225/pseuds/GlitterFairy_21225</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Pennywise is dead, and The Losers Club won. Everyone has grown and matured as people, and important life decisions are made. For example, Richie Tozier decides it is finally about time he let the world know about his sexuality, starting with his best friends in the entire world.</p><p>Oh right, the majority already knows.</p><p>Not Eddie though.</p><p>Eddie is of course accepting of his best friend in the world's preferred sexual orientation. Obviously, no one ever said he wouldn't be. But when it's clear that he can't quite shake the fact that he is tied for last to know, and wants to know why.</p><p>And so Richie tells him. In excruciating detail. Each and every story about Richie Tozier's friends being surprised but totally cool with it. Because that's what friends are for.</p><p>Bill is just here to get bullied though.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ben Hanscom &amp; Richie Tozier, Beverly Marsh &amp; Richie Tozier, Bill Denbrough &amp; Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Mike Hanlon &amp; Richie Tozier, Richie Tozier &amp; Stanley Uris</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>120</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>My Moderately Well-Kept Secret</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Bill, Eds-"</p><p>"Don't call me Eds, Richie, you know I-"</p><p>"Hate it, trust me, I get it." Richie sighs. Eddie looks surprised by the interruption, and not even happy surprised, but Richie can't deal with that right now. "As I was saying, after everything that happened, I think we can all agree that.... <em>some</em> of our collective life choices need.... analyzing."</p><p>"Gee, what was your first clue?" Eddie says sarcastically.</p><p>"Well, considering we've both slept with your mom..."</p><p>"Beep beep Richie!"</p><p>At this point Richie notices that Bill really wants to be somewhere else. Fair enough, there's usually at least a few others around to entertain each other while he and Eddie bicker. So, Richie cuts back to the point.</p><p>"So..." He begins again. "Uhm, I think it's important that you both know that-" <em>I'm gay</em> "-I am willing to give precious, precious details about my life..."</p><p>Bill and Eds share a look. Oh god, not good. Or maybe really good? He's suddenly so nervous. Sure, most his friends already know, ignoring the two in front of him that obviously don't, but Richie never actually let them know by sitting them down and actually discussing it. Mostly the truth just comes out, usually there are tears or drugs involved and it all comes out in the moment.</p><p>"And that is...?" Bill prods him along.</p><p>Richie smiles. "And that is.... that... I.... am.... g-gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy-raciously coming to you two, as I love and trust both of you with the knowledge of my.... very personal..... business, as I know that you will.... that you will both be extremely accepting, well maybe not extremely.... Actually, wait, yes extremely! Extreme acceptance doesn't have to imply sex stuff, I just have a dirty mind! You know what! I'm gonna beep beep myself! Beep beep Richie!"</p><p>And they're both looking at him in utter confusion. Fucking perfect.</p><p>"Dude, you lost me." Eddie says.</p><p>At least Bill is trying to be comforting. "Rich, we survived a murderous clown, all things considered, there's nothing that can shock us anymore. Whatever it is, it's not gonna be the weirdest thing to happen this month."</p><p>Eddie nods at this, so Richie decides to test them. "Before becoming a full-time comedian, I was a hitman-"</p><p>"No, you weren't." Eddie says immediately.</p><p>"It could happen!"</p><p>"Did it?"</p><p>".... No."</p><p>"Well besides from that." Bill interrupts, shaking his head at their antics. "Look, Rich, whatever it is, so long as you're not a murderer, d-discounting Bowers, it's fine. We're not going to judge. Seriously w-we're a team. And also I'm really c-curious now, so-"</p><p>Richie chuckles a little bit, grateful for the light tone that he can just feel with his friends- family really. "Okay then, well... I'm not really sure when to start."</p><p>"Oh beginnings?" Bill rolls his eyes. "Easiest things in the world. I just start with where the story does." He says it flawlessly, no stutter, proving his confidence in what he's saying.</p><p>Richie blinks at him. "Okay.... In the beginning, God made two people, Adam and Eve-"</p><p>"Richie-" Eddie rolls his eyes.</p><p>"But what his followers never understood is that sometimes.... It's Adam and Steve." Richie says. Bill and Eddie share a look. A look Richie remembers very well to mean, 'Just let him talk himself out and see where it goes.' Good advice, good advice.</p><p>"Right, on that note," Richie continues. "I think that everyone in the Losers Club agree that I have a pretty rich history of sexual jokes, but what I don't think either of you know is that.... wait for it.... this is about to rock your world.... I never actually did most of the shit I was saying I did."</p><p>He waits for them to say something, not exactly because he expects them to be surprised, but more so because he needs something to work off of.</p><p>At his silence, Bill squints at him. "Is that it?"</p><p>"Dude, within the past ten minutes you made your five thousandth 'Your Mom' joke, you seriously thought I was taking them seriously!?" Eddie says in exasperation.</p><p>"Let me finish, padawans." Richie holds out a hand to silence them, satisfied by their reactions. "That is not it. And Eddie, I know deep down you'll miss the jokes about the sweet sweet loving I give to your mom like a missing limb."</p><p>"A) No I won't. B) You're gonna stop!?" Eddie says, and it's clear to Richie that he doesn't know if he should be delighted or concerned. "Why!?"</p><p>"Well not sex jokes as a whole," Richie 'assures' him. Based on Eddie's glare, he apparently doesn't appreciate that. "It's just.... Have you ever just been so deeply in denial about something that you make a whole deal about being the exact opposite?"</p><p>"What? Being a fucking virgin?" Eddie scoffs.</p><p>"No.... well, yeah, but there's something else." Richie says, but then groans. "God.... I wish I was a fucking lesbian."</p><p>"What!?" They say simultaneously before Eddie bursts out laughing.</p><p>"Why? So you can just look down whenever you want to see breasts? Fucking mature dickwad."</p><p>Richie starts laughing with him nervously. "Oh.... Trust me, that's not how homosexuality works."</p><p>Eddie scoffs, and Richie thinks it would be a fucking gift if he'd just give Richie an opener and say something like, 'Yeah, like you'd know', but he doesn't.</p><p>Instead Richie says. "No because, sometimes having a backup name is easier than saying the words, 'I'm gay', or 'I'm homosexual', because if that feels too awkward I can just fall back on, 'I'm sorta kind of a lesbian', and everyone will think it's hot, oh hey wait, I said it!"</p><p>Eddie and Bill look at him strangely, before sharing looks. Eddie laughs slightly. "Ha ha. Very funny, Richie. Stop deflecting." Richie bites his lip. Eddie blinks. "Oh my god. Oh my god."</p><p>"What's? What's h-happening?" Bill asks.</p><p>"He's not lying." Eddie tells him. "He's being a fucking weirdo, but he's not lying." His voice is incredulous.</p><p>"What?" Bill asks in confusion.</p><p>"Yeeeeaaah, I'm gay."</p><p>"What you mean you're gay?" Bill asks. "That's a weird joke."</p><p>"It's not a joke." Eddie says stunned. "Seriously?"</p><p>"Yeah." Richie nods awkwardly.</p><p>"Oh." Eddie and Bill are both silent, processing the information. "But you said you slept with my mom."</p><p>"I was joking." Richie slowly smiles.</p><p>Another beat and they both smile back.</p><p>"Th-thank you for t-trusting us." Bill says, stutter coming back with full force, giving away how nervous he is to mess this up. "I'm p-p-proud of y-you f-for c-c-coming out t-to us."</p><p>Richie focuses his beam on Bill. Even when the club was just the original four, they were never the closest, Richie having the least amount patience for Bill when he fucks up, but does love him.</p><p>"Me too!" Eddie says quickly. "And whatever else you need, I'll be here for you. Make you sure you don't chicken out of telling the others." He snorts, trying to to be casual. Bill nods along. At that though, Richie's face drops a bit.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Well..." He starts. "You two are kind of the dead last of the Losers Club to know." Richie admits awkwardly. "That's kind of why I had you both here."</p><p>They look at him incredulously. "The last?"</p><p>"Yeah, but, I mean, not the 'last' last. I still have a pretty big fanbase to come out to, that's gonna weird considering all the fake girlfriend jokes, then again our adolescence was at least ninety percent of my sex jokes."</p><p>"Accurate." Eddie mutters distractedly.</p><p>"Plus, my mom's still alive, I'll have to tell her, and then there's my sister." Richie shakes his head. "Imagine your forty year old son who's career is made of sex jokes coming out. And I can't wait to be that creepy gay uncle to those kids."</p><p>"Okay, Richie!" Eddie interrupts, but then softens, remembering the delicacy of the situation. "It's okay. You had to come out at your own pace." He smiles, and when Richie smiles back, he adds in a forced but loving voice. "So I was really the last to know about this?"</p><p>Bill clears his throat. "I-I was also last t-to know ab-bout this."</p><p>Eddie turns to him. "Yeah. Yeah you were." He says dryly and turns back to Richie. "Why didn't you want to tell me, man?" He says a little strained, but still gentle. "I know you call both Stan and Bev your best friends, but... but like I was your best friend." He seems to be genuinely upset by Richie's hiding, and that makes him feel like his heart clench in his chest.</p><p>"I don't know...." Richie sighs. They give him pointed looks. "I just... I was having that- that 'moment', you know? When you just... just figure why not tell them?"</p><p>"Oh... And you've never had any of these 'moments' with me?" Eddie whispers, almost hurt.</p><p>Bill awkwardly clears his throat. "Eddie, maybe lay off him."</p><p>"No!" Richie groans. "Look, I'm sorry, I just- You were special, okay!"</p><p>"What? You thought I was gonna be an asshole about it?" Eddie asks with wide eyes.</p><p>"No! No, of course not." Richie puts his head in his hands. "It's just- I hated that part of me so much, and I-I cared the most about what you thought."</p><p>A beat passes, with just Eddie and Richie staring at each other.</p><p>"Is that why you never told me?" Bill asks.</p><p>Richie sighs in exasperation. "No, it just never came up, bro." Bill blinks.</p><p>"So- so how did it come up, then?" Eddie asks.</p><p>A beat. Then Richie starts to smile slyly. "You wanna know?" They nod. "Well, with Stan...."</p><p>XXX</p><p>After a quick change of pants, Richie rides his bike to the only friend he might have left. He hasn't talked to any of the other Losers since Neibolt, and he almost fears it's always going to be that way. But the least he can do is make up with Stan.</p><p>After getting punched by Bill, Richie was salty, and gave everyone the silent treatment, even though Stan is technically on his side. But now he needs a friend, even if he has admittedly been a little bitch to them. And Stan is probably the person he trusts the most at the moment.</p><p>He really does like Bev and Ben and Mike, but there's years of history with the other guys, and not be rude, he just feels safer with them. But Bill has to apologize to him before they can kiss and make up and do each other's nails again, and Eddie...</p><p>Even if Mrs. K would let Richie see him, he's not sure he would go to Eddie.</p><p>So instead he rides over to the Uris house. When he rings the doorbell, Stan's mother greets him with a smile. He's polite, of course, and she seems almost relieved to see him again.</p><p>Mrs. Uris points him towards Stan's room. He takes a deep breath and goes to knock on the door.</p><p>"Come in." Stan yells from the other side.</p><p>Richie takes a second to himself and opens the door. "Hi."</p><p>"OH, so now you're talking to me again?" Stan says when he sees him. He's glaring at him. Richie feels his heart sink.</p><p>He's mad. Of course he is. At the back of his mind he knows it's not about him being a fucking fairy, but somehow that message is lost in translation. Still, looking at Stan glare at him hurts. No matter what the reason, it hurts.</p><p>If Richie gets rejected before he even tells anyone what he is, does that the inevitable hatred they'll feel for him if this ever comes out. If he ever comes out. Which he probably won't because that's social suicide, and maybe actual suicide, but he always hoped his friends would always be there for him, considering they are the self-proclaimed Losers Club, but maybe this secret is too much.</p><p>"Richie?"</p><p>He realizes tears have built up in his eyes but Richie does nothing to stop them because all he can think about is how his life is falling apart, because ALL his friends hate him, and there's a clown murdering everybody, and Michele Troomes sat right in front of him last year, and she's super pretty, and yet he gets more butterflies in his stomach when his hand brushes another boy's while playing Street Fighter like any other normal boy at the Aladdin.</p><p>"Richie?!" Stan is more frantic now, standing in front of him with wide, concerned eyes. He takes Richie's arms with a gentleness no one else could ever manage, and carefully walks him towards the bed. "Richie, breathe. Richie, what's wrong!?"</p><p>"At the arcade," he swallows. "I-I was playing this game with this Connor guy, and I asked him to play another round, but it turns out he was Bowers' cousin."</p><p>"Fuck." Stan says, knowing Bowers more than likely wouldn't appreciate a self-proclaimed Loser hanging around his family. "Bowers?"</p><p>"Fuck." Richie nods along, and then adds. "Yeah, and then Connor told Henry that I was queer for him, and-"</p><p>"Fuck." Stan repeats. "How are you still alive?"</p><p>"I don't know, he just yelled at me to get out." Richie sniffles. "Maybe he was off his period so I got him on a good day." He feels his eyes burn and knows he's starting to cry again, and tries to wipe furiously at his face with his sleeves. Gently, Stan sits next to him and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.</p><p>"Look, I know Bowers is even more terrifying when you face him by yourself, but at least you're still alive!" Stan says soothingly, as though trying to comfort him. "And we both know how bullshit anything Henry Bowers says is. You know you it's not true, and so does everyone else who's opinion matters to you."</p><p>Richie turns his face to stare at a poster on Stan's wall. A fucking bird poster. But he keeps his eyes pinned on it as he forces himself to whisper, "... What if I did?"</p><p>"What?" Stan's voice is soft, but unsure. Almost confused. His hand is retracted off his shoulder.</p><p>"W-what if I did have a crush on his cousin? His... boy cousin." Richie repeats with a horrible shudder racking through his body. "What if I did?"</p><p>For a long moment, Stan is silent next to him but Richie refuses to turn to look him in the eyes, cursing himself for being stupid enough to tell him. He mentally prepares himself for the brutal rejection that's bound to come.</p><p>"Well..." Stan finally says, still sounding unsure, but still at least he's speaking. "Then... you need to re-evaluate who you get crushes on."</p><p>A sob wracks through Richie's body involuntarily, but Stan brings his hand back to his shoulder and squeezes comfortingly. He missed it.</p><p>"And by that I mean that there are plenty of boys who aren't gonna sell you out to his psychopathic cousin to save his own ass." Stan softly assures him.</p><p>Richie whips his head around in shock. Stan meets his eyes, still looking confused, but not cruelly so.</p><p>"Really?" He whispers in a shocked voice, hope blossoming in his chest without permission.</p><p>"Really." Stan nods.</p><p>And in an instant, Richie laughs out loud with relief, his tense shoulders relaxing. He didn't even know they were tense at all, and yet he feels the weight lifting off of him. Stan starts nodding, further processing this revelation. He smiles at Trashmouth.</p><p>"Honestly, if anything this finally explains all you're gross sex jokes." Stan snorts, the mood light as it should be. "Is that why you always talk about having sex with Eddie's mom? Because the only woman you can ever love is your own mother, and you want to hide all your gay love with woman love?"</p><p>Richie stares at him. "UHM, fucking deep, Stan-man!" He laughs wetly. Tears well up in his eyes again, but he feels so fucking relieved. "I love you." He says before his eyes widen. "Not in a gay way!" He says quickly. "In a platonic way!"</p><p>At this Stan starts laughing. "Good. Because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I can do way better." Richie starts laughing too. "Like miles better!"</p><p>When they finally calm down, Richie sighs, feeling that stupid fear come back even though Richie doesn't want it there. "You're the best, Stan. Not everyone will be as awesome as you."</p><p>"Maybe not, but I promise that everyone who matters will be."</p><p>"I guess." Richie nods. "But you're still the best! What was that? It took you like five seconds to be okay with it?"</p><p>"I don't even think I care anymore." Stan shrugs.</p><p>Richie wrinkles an eyebrow. "What do you mean you don't care anymore?"</p><p>"Look, you're an annoying little dick and I hate you, but I also love you, in a completely non-romantic way, and I hope you know that." Stan says with an almost absurd amount of sincerity. "Because first you were the Richie Tozier who tackled the bullies who always stole my lunch money when we were six, then were the Richie Tozier who joked about fucking his friends' moms, now you're the Richie Tozier who may or may not get crushes on other boys. I don't see why I can't just begrudgingly love, in a platonic way, Richie Tozier."</p><p>At Stan's speech, the tears still fall from Richie's eyes, but this time they're happy tears. Or maybe relieved tears. Happy or relieved because normal or not normal, at least Richie still has Stan in his corner no matter what.</p><p>"Thank you." He says meaningfully.</p><p>"There's nothing to thank." Stan immediately says. "And I'm glad we're friends again. Oh hey, my bar mitzvah's tomorrow, will you please come and suffer with me?"</p><p>Richie laughs, his face still wet but he's still so, so relieved. "Of course I will."</p><p>"Good." Stan smiles back at him. "Now, I'm going to hug you, and when I do that, I just want you to know that I am hugging you as a friend, not as a fellow homosexual. I'm not saying that that's what you would think, but I just want that to be clear. Okay?"</p><p>Richie smiles, all teary-eyed but so relieved. Maybe not even happy, but the relief is close enough. "Okay."</p><p>XXX</p><p>"And you wouldn't believe what he did at that bat mitzvah...." Richie sighs. He looks almost dreamy remembering that awesome day. "Oh, wait, did I already tell you that story? If not, you guys really need to know-"</p><p>"Richie!" Eddie scolds, momentarily forgetting to be uncharacteristically gentle. "The week we weren't talking?! You've known for that long?!"</p><p>"Yeah..."</p><p>"Wait, so this has been a whole 'thing' that you've known and thought about since we were twelve!?" Eddie says utterly incredulous. "Jesus Richie, we were so young, we had just met It for the first time! Fuck."</p><p>"Eddie-" Bill tries to calm him down.</p><p>"Fuck off, Bill." Both Bill and Richie are shocked by this. Eddie's always looked up to Bill. It's truly at testomate to his feelings right now.</p><p>"I get how close you two were, but why tell him and not me?" He says it softly, like he seems so hurt by it but also frustrated. "I'm not upset! I'm not upset... but why though?"</p><p>Richie squirms. "I just... you know how your mom was, I couldn't talk to you. An-and I just needed someone to talk to after the arcade thing, and afterwards I wasn't ready to tell anyone else yet until years after that day."</p><p>"I-I guess." Eddie sighs. "I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm making this about me. It's not! Believe me, it's you. It's all you."</p><p>Richie reaches across the table to squeeze Eddie's hand across the table as it lays uselessly.</p><p>"Stupid Mom." Eddie bites. "I love you, you know that? Even if I would have needed longer than five fucking seconds, I would always have loved you."</p><p>"I know Spaghetti-Man, I love Stan, platonically, but I do wish I could have come to you." Richie smiles, staring deep into Eddie's eyes.</p><p>"You could have come to me." Bill points out, causing them to break eye contact and turn to him.</p><p>"Bill, you punched me in the face after convincing us into a demonic clown's murder house, no I was not going to go to your house to tell you I was gay." Richie snaps, at the moment angry at Bill for ruining their moment.</p><p>"You said Georgie was d-dead." Bill mutters. "Why does everybody act like I just p-punched you for no r-reason?"</p><p>Richie feels a push of sympathy, especially as he realizes Bill probably just stopped him from doing something stupid, like going in for a kiss or some shit that would make Eddie uncomfortable, so he nods.</p><p>"Yeah, that's fair." Richie admits. "You weren't ready."</p><p>They look at each other awkwardly for a moment before silently coming to an agreement. They never did apologize for the things they did before the Club disbanded.</p><p>"Sorry." Bill says.</p><p>"Sorry." Richie says back. And that's that.</p><p>He turns back to Eddie, smiling again. "Okay, the next one happened when we were... fifteen. It was with Bev, and that's actually really good, because you know we were both teenagers, it was a good time to talk about boys."</p><p>"Bev and I were dating when we were fifteen." Bill suddenly points out, looking upset.</p><p>"Yeah," Richie says as though talking to a child. "And Eddie's mom sucked, and Stan is Jewish. What else do you need to know? Bev-Rich story time!"</p><p>XXX</p><p>
  <b>Question 1: Have you ever fantasized about sexual conduct with the same sex?</b>
</p><p>Reluctantly, Richie checks the yes column with his pencil.</p><p>
  <b>Question 2: Have you ever fantasized about sexual conduct with a member of the opposite sex?</b>
</p><p>Difficult question. Richie has thought a great deal about the saucier details from health class. Has forced himself to think of doing stuff with a girl, like he's supposed to do. But it's always something he has to make himself do, it never happens naturally. And it doesn't make him feel... the same as the above. But technically he still did it so...</p><p>He checks yes.</p><p>
  <b>Question 3: Would you be happy dying without having experimented sexually with both men and women?</b>
</p><p>Death?! From what? AIDS? Or a hate crime? Richie suddenly feels even more nervous as he decides to just pick Yes and move on to the next question. It's easier.</p><p>
  <b>Question 4: Are you aroused by pornography featuring members of the same sex?</b>
</p><p>Richie bites his lip. He has watched porn, on occasions he was sure his parents would not be home before he finished. It always a man and a woman, but the woman was never what got him off.</p><p>
  <b>Question 5: True or false. The gender composition of any orgy is the most important factor in my decision to participate.</b>
</p><p>"An orgy?!" Richie chokes.</p><p>He thought he was alone, but that's proven wrong when a familiar voice comes from his door. "Aaaaaaand I already regret coming here."</p><p>Richie jumps, staring at Bev in the doorway. He quickly recovers and smiles at his friend. "Wasn't expecting to find you here, Ringwald."</p><p>"Well, I was in the neighborhood." Bev enters his room carrying a box. "You live like a block away from Greta Keene. And look what I got!" She sets the box in front of him from where he's laying on the floor. He quickly closes his magazine and puts to his side. He scoots so he's hlaf sitting on it so that she won't try to grab it or anything.</p><p>He pulls the box into his lap and looks inside. "You stole brownies from Greta Ke- Bev these aren't!"</p><p>"I don't know." She snickers, clearly finding all this hilarious. "Maybe? I wouldn't put it past her."</p><p>"And you wanna- what?" He asks slowly. "W-what do you wanna do now?"</p><p>Beverly looks at him like he's stupid. "Get high. Duh."</p><p>"Really?" Richie says, the magazine forgotten and excitement rising in his chest.</p><p>She nods. "Uh-huh. Plus you're probably the only one in our friend group who'd even consider trying pot, so...."</p><p>Richie gestures for her to sit across from him.</p><p>Bev picks up one brownie and Richie does the same. They make eye contact, nodding at each other for affirmation, both finding some form of strength in the other's determination. "Now!" Bev says, and they both swallow their respective treats.</p><p>For a second, it's just silent, slowly waiting for the high to come. Nothing happens yet.</p><p>"Do you think it's pot?" Richie asks, shoving a second one into his mouth.</p><p>Bev swallows hers and takes a deep breath. A beat passes before her shoulders slump in disappointment. "Fuck. I guess not." Richie groans. "Well, at least we still can just eat as we want."</p><p>"I guess." He shrugs his shoulders, before pushing himself up. "I'll get us drinks and cigarettes."</p><p>"Drinks?" Bev asks.</p><p>"Water for the chocolate."</p><p>"You spend too much time with Eddie."</p><p>From the kitchen he gets two water bottles and a pack of cigarettes when he hears Bev call out. "Hey Rich, what were you doing before I got here?"</p><p>"Why?" He calls back.</p><p>"Because this magazine test has your handwriting next to it and there's a pencil right next to it."</p><p>Richie's eyes widen and he rushes back to the living room, where he finds Bev observing the disregarded magazine.</p><p>"I-I was taking that as a joke!" Richie yells.</p><p>"You checked 'Yes' for the first question..." Bev says in confusion, before gasping.</p><p>"Like I said, a joke." Richie says. Bev squints up at him, investigating him as he realizes he must look like a deer in headlights and tries to put on a mask of normalcy.</p><p>But instead of playing along, or something worse, (which she'd of course never do), she starts laughing.</p><p>"Dude, a fucking magazine isn't gonna tell you if you're gay or not!" Bev rolls her eyes. "That's fucking stupid."</p><p>"I know I'm not gay! Just ask Eddie's mom!" Richie snaps, but Bev only laughs harder. "Stop laughing, it's not funny!"</p><p>Bev rolls her eyes again, even harder this time. "Never thought I'd ever hear those words coming from you, Trashmouth. If it's such a big joke, why shouldn't I laugh?"</p><p>Richie feels his face heating up as he bites the inside of his cheek so hard it bleeds. "Y-you're right. It's just a joke. Laugh."</p><p>At that, she starts to calm down. Beverly's expression drops and turns almost apologetic, surprised by Trashmouth's lack of humor in this situation, and realizing how much this all matters to him.</p><p>Bev sighs loudly. "Look, I'm sorry, I just never expected ladies man extraordinaire-" she looks nauseated just saying those words, but Richie feels warm at them, and that seems to make her feel better "-to swing any other way. I didn't realize it was that big a deal to you."</p><p>He wants to deny it. Maybe the situation is still salvageable. But Bev already knows, and she's being so nice about it too. Okay.</p><p>"Bev, we live in Derry. How could it not be."</p><p>"I know." She nods. "So.... how do you know that you really like other boys?"</p><p>"I don't know." Richie moves to sit next to her against the couch. "I just- when everyone got old enough to get crushes and shit, I did too, just... not on the people I'm supposed to."</p><p>"Well then," Bev sighs. "Fuck 'supposed to'. Losers aren't 'supposed to' be anything but miserable but here we are!" She shoves another brownie in her mouth. "Nothing about our lives are how they're 'supposed to' be. And maybe that's a good thing sometimes. And maybe that fucking sucks sometimes."</p><p>"Most times." Richie corrects, taking another brownie himself.</p><p>"Nah." Bev swallows and grabs another. "Just sometimes."</p><p>At some point they put on a movie. A musical, because Beverly says it's as much a gay test as the magazine can provide. At first he's just annoyed by the singing, but as the movie goes on and the box brownie stack gets smaller and smaller, he gets more and more into it. And pretty soon they're jumping around incoherently.</p><p>"TALE AS OOLD AS TIIIIIIIIIME, SONG AS OLD AS RHYYYYYYYYYME, BOOTY AND DA BEEEEEAAAAST!!!!!" They sing together, before Richie trips and he falls down on his face, causing them both to laugh.</p><p>"Hey, hey, wait!" Richie yells. "It was supposed to be beauty, but we keep singing booty! Bev? Bev? Bev?"</p><p>Bev gasps over dramatically, laying back on the couch as she takes another brownie. "Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention, 'cause I was too shocked by how fucking gorgeous you are! Don't even worry about the homophobes. When you're in college you're just gonna be surrounded by sooooo many gay guys. Like you!"</p><p>"Really?" Richie asks with a smile. "Yeah! Yeah, just you wait Bev-Bevs! Before you know it I'm gonna be drowning in cum."</p><p>In the back of his mind he knows he should be expecting a 'beep beep' but Bev actually laughs slightly.</p><p>"Hey, guess what." Richie says, hoping to make her laugh more. "I was lying about fantasizing about woman. Or- okay maybe not lying, but like, I didn't like it as much. I'm totally gay!"</p><p>"Dude, you're totally gay!" Bev cheers loudly. As though this is the best news she's heard all week, she pumps her fists up in the air excitedly. "Richie Tozier is gay! Oh- don't go stealing my boyfriends, Trashmouth!" She laughs even louder.</p><p>Richie falls from his sitting position all of a sudden, until he's laying on the ground, laughing hysterically. Yeah, he's so fucking gay. And before they know it, they're both giggling. They don't even know how long, they just keep laughing and eating brownies until the box is completely empty, and even that is hilarious to them. At some point they forget why they're even laughing in the first place, it's just funny.</p><p>"W-w-what the f-fuck is this!?" A familiar voice suddenly interrupts their giggle session. Their five best friends in the whole wide world stood before them. Richie is so happy to see them.</p><p>More giggles! Bev too. Bev giggles too. Was that not clear? Both Bev and Richie are giggling.</p><p>"Are you two high!?" Eddie demands, immediately rushing to Richie's side, pulling him up to a sitting position with arms that are way too strong for his tiny, cute skinny little body. Eddie's hands are hot against his cheeks as they inspect Richie's face. He leans into the sensation.</p><p>"Weeeellll," Bev starts from where she is between Ben and Bill, both on her arms. "Fucking Greta Keene was a bitch, as always, but this time I was really fucking pissed off. So I went to her house to egg it or- I don't even know! But her window was open, right?"</p><p>She looks to them in expectancy, but only Richie seems to be thoroughly and genuinely enjoying her tale.</p><p>"I love this story already." Stan murmurs.</p><p>"Okay, so then I look through the window- the room is empty by the way, and there's this box. And I open this box from the window, because it was right under it, and there are brownies in them!"</p><p>"Oh my god." Eddie breathes, his hand on his forehead, like he has a headache. Richie brings up his hand to rest his hand on Eddie's over his forehand. They're eyes meet and Richie can't help but smile like a dope.</p><p>"And I'm gonna go home, but it turns out Greta's neighborhood is right around the corner from Richie's and I see that his bike is still at his house, so I go to him, and I offer to share my brownies because there were so many. And also to get high."</p><p>Eddie's hand tightens around his wrist to the point that it hurts, but Richie likes it a lot. He probably wouldn't if it wasn't Eddie. But it is. So he's happy.</p><p>"Okay, it's gonna be a big one when they crash." Stan says worriedly. "Let's get them comfortable for then. C'mon."</p><p>Richie throws his arms around Eddie, who huffs but allows it. Eds hooks his hands on Richie's waist and helps him up, then steering him in the direction of the stairs.</p><p>"HEY!" Bev yells at them, causing everyone to jump. "Watch your hands, Kaspbrak!"</p><p>Everyone looks startled by this, but Beverly ignores this.</p><p>"You hurt him," She glares daggers at poor Eddie. "I kill you."</p><p>Richie will later learn that later, as she's coming down from her high in the Tozier's guest room, Stan will go to her. Eddie and Mike are with Richie, and Bill and Ben have fallen asleep, funnily enough curled against each other. It's adorable.</p><p>"He told you," Stan whispers to the hungover girl. "Didn't he?"</p><p>Her head is pounding, but she still forces herself to nod. "Mhm."</p><p>"Yeah, me too." Stan replies. "When you're not on drugs, do you wanna talk about it?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>XXX</p><p>"That's why she threatened to kill me?!" Is Eddie's first reaction when Richie finishes the story. "Because she thought I was getting handsy with you?!" Richie shrugs. "She gave you pot and I was the danger to you?!"</p><p>Richie bites his bottom lip and nods. He remembers that Eddie was snippy with Bev for weeks after that day. And that Bill and Ben were especially snippy with him- at least more so than usual.</p><p>"Oh thank god," Bill breathes out what is undoubtedly a sigh of relief. Eddie and Richie look at him in confusion, and his look of relief quickly turns to a more sheepish one. "Sorry. I- we were supposed to go on a date that weekend, and when she didn't show I was really worried. Got the whole gang together to look for her and everything-"</p><p>"That was why we were at his house." Eddie nods. "To complete the search party."</p><p>"And then it turns out she was at your house, and she got weirdly protective of you, so-"</p><p>"So what?" Richie laughs in utter delight. "You thought we were having an affair behind your back? A bit hypocritical don't you think, Billiam?"</p><p>Bill blushes, biting his lip. "Well afterwards you were a lot closer! And neither of you told me that you... weren't attracted her, so what was I supposed to think?"</p><p>"I guess that's fair." Richie shrugs. "No offense to our straight friends who didn't fall in love with her," Richie quirks his eyebrows in Eddie's direction, causing him to choke, "but she once described her favorite male relationships as Bill being her first love, Ben being her soulmate, and me being her sexually incompatible BFF."</p><p>"First love!?" Bill repeats with giant eyes.</p><p>"Do you mean gay best friend?" Eddie asks, like he's gonna make fun of Richie if he says yes.</p><p>"Wait, does the first love outweigh soulmate?"</p><p>"Dammit Bill, that's why it's the first, you idiot!" He finally snaps causing Bill to jump, although Eddie doesn't even flinch. He turns back to the important stuff. "Gay best friend, Eddie? I don't want to know how well Ben or Bill do in the sack." Richie replies, causing Bill to splutter. "Well... okay she can talk to me about it sometimes."</p><p>Bill looks absolutely horrified. "I-I-"</p><p>"Well, what's the difference?" Eddie asks, ignoring his friend's pain.</p><p>"A gay best friend is someone you talk about boys and stuff t-" Richie pauses, thinking hard. "Well now that I say it out loud, that describes at least half a quarter of our friendship. So forget that part. And a sexually incompatible best friend means that we can cuddle as much as we want and she never has to feel afraid of me getting a boner or either of us falling in love."</p><p>"Oh, okay then." Bill nods, seeming to rethink his teen years. Then his eyes flash. "But wait, she's still attracted to boys."</p><p>"Yeah, but she's not an idiot, falling in love with boys who can't love her back, like yours truly." Richie snorts, gesturing to himself.</p><p>"What?" Eddie breathes before shaking it off. "But- I mean, we were plenty handsy as kids, and I mean, you didn't fall in love with me, did you?" He laughs slightly, but Richie's face drops.</p><p>"Um... well I guess that brings us to the next... confession. Coming out. I guess." Richie takes several deep breaths. "You know, I wasn't planning on telling you this part, but I guess there's no harm. Just... promise me you won't freak out, okay?"</p><p>He directs that last part mainly at Eddie. Because who wants to tell their straight best friend you were dumb enough to fall in love with them as a child? It probably makes for awkward small talk, but that's what Richie has to figure out right now.</p><p>"We won't." Bill says confidently.</p><p>"Yeah, it's not about you," Richie says nonchalantly, keeping his focus on Eddie. "And also... promise not to like, hate me okay?"</p><p>"I could never hate you." Eddie immediately assures him. They make eye contact for a long moment, the brown of Eddie's eyes soothing his nerves in a way only Eddie Kaspbrak can do for him, and fuck-</p><p>"And neither could I." Bill says.</p><p>"BILL!" Richie scolds, making the other men jump, but calms himself down and puts on a fake smile. "Just like... if nobody talks to you just sit quietly, okay?"</p><p>Bill looks kinda freaked out, so he nods. Richie's fake smile turns real, satisfied with himself that he almost forgets what he's about to tell the crowd.</p><p>Almost.</p><p>"Uh, so... Then, it was Mike."</p><p>XXX</p><p>Richie giggles.</p><p>Mike ignores him.</p><p>"Hey, Mike?"</p><p>Mike sighs with such exasperation. "Yes, Rich?"</p><p>"You wanna know a dirty little secret?"</p><p>"I really don't."</p><p>"Come on...."</p><p>"No."</p><p>"I'm gonna tell you anyway."</p><p>"You need serious help."</p><p>"Psst, Mike."</p><p>"God, no."</p><p>"I'm gay for Eddie."</p><p>"... What?"</p><p>"I said I'm gay for Eddie."</p><p>"How big a concussion does falling headfirst down a staircase cause?"</p><p>XXX</p><p>"WHAT!?" Eddie shouts. Bill looks at Richie in shock. Richie winces, but notices that the latter at least looks at him in sympathy. He meets his eyes to beg for help.</p><p>"That's the second c-coming out story that leads to drugs." Bill chuckles nervously, and he grins in gratitude.</p><p>"Third." Richie snorts, also trying to be light in spite of his current state of anxiety. "You think I was expecting to sit through Stan's bat mitzvah sober? Of course I didn't need it, cause Stan is a queen, not in that way, not that I'd have a problem if he was, his wife might though, and she's the fucking best. She can do better than him."</p><p>"NOT THE ISSUE!!!" Eddie screams, so they jump, and then Richie and Bill have the audacity to look at him all 'WTF'. "You were 'gay for me', Richie?! 'Gay for Eddie'?! What the fuck was that?!"</p><p>"Look, it's old news, Eds." Richie says, pushing down the hurt Eddie's reaction causes. Of course, he already knew that Eddie would never in a million years even consider feeling the same, but.... to actually see this reaction play out in front of him. It's not like Eddie has to make such a big deal out of it. "We were kids! And like you said, we were touching each other all the time. You remember? In that hammock, all hot and steamy-"</p><p>"Take this seriously! Or what? Was what you just said just a joke? Or did you hit your head enough to just spew out half-bullshits?" Eddie snaps.</p><p>"Eddie, I know it's kinda jarring, but teenage crushes do happen." Bill points out, trying to calm him down.</p><p>"How would you feel if you learned Richie used to have a crush on you?!" Eddie asks furiously, causing Richie to choke.</p><p>"Exsqueeze me?" Richie asks, not even joking, just genuinely fucking offended. "You think I would ever lower myself to those standards?" He points to Bill.</p><p>Bill blinks at Richie several times. "Lower!?"</p><p>"This isn't a joke!" Eddie snaps. "Richie, just tell it to me straight- don't you dare make a godforsaken pun- did you or did you not have feelings for me?"</p><p>Richie sighs, looking away but Eddie grabs his face and forces him to look him in the eye. "Yes, okay, I used to have feelings for you, that's... fuck, that's not a lie, Spaghetti, but you don't have to worry about me... masturbating to my shrine to you behind closet doors, okay? It-it's irrelevant now, okay?" He says, trying to be comforting and probably failing miserably as he always does.</p><p>"Y-you really liked me? Like that?"</p><p>Richie sighs, not looking him in the eye. "Yeah, I did. I am sorry if that freaks you out, but we were kids, and it's like you said, you were my best best friend. And so, I guess feelings kind of happened, but don't act like everyone and their mothers did not have a crush on Bev! It's not that weird. We were just babies. I was a baby. With a baby crush."</p><p>"Oh." Eddie says, seemingly calmer. "Rich- right. Right."</p><p>He's still upset. Okay. Richie can fix this. "Look, Eds... Eddie you really don't have to worry, it was just- it was just a childhood crush."</p><p>"Yeah, no you've made that extremely clear." Eddie snaps. "But you know what? At this point I think that's honestly part of the problem!"</p><p>"What?" Richie asks softly.</p><p>"I'm sorry for freaking out, I just... I just," Eddie closes his eyes, taking deep breaths. Then he says in a strong voice. "I just guess that I'm processing a lot right now. And what I'm processing is that I think I'm gay too?"</p><p>"What!?" Richie gasps in shock. Eddie Kaspbrak gay? No. No! No?</p><p>"What?" Bill doesn't sound like he expected that, but no one present care what Bill thinks right now.</p><p>"And I think I'm gay for you too." He admits.</p><p>"WHAT!?"</p><p>"Was this scripted?" Bill murmurs.</p><p>"I'm not finished!" Eddie stands up, taking another deep breath before staring Richie dead in the eyes.</p><p>"I-I feel like I missed my chance, okay?" He admits. Richie looks at him in shock. "I don't know, okay? I don't know. I-I- never even considered things like sexuality- boys like girls and that's that. It never occurred to me that- I thought that was just how it was, and of course I knew that there were people who didn't, but I always thought that those people could never show up in my life!"</p><p>"Eds-"</p><p>"Just let me finish, okay?" Eddie says with tears in his eyes. "Hearing you come out, I mean you figured it out when we were twelve and I'm just now realizing that I- that I think I- that there are people in my life that like the same sex! And then- hearing about how much your sexuality hurt you growing up, it- it hurt me. Because I hate knowing that you have ever felt so hurt and didn't come to me. Whether it's twenty seven years ago or twenty seven minutes ago."</p><p>The tears fall. Richie immediately rushes closer to him and brushes them away. Maybe he wasn't thinking, but now they're faces are just inches apart, staring softly at each other.</p><p>Eddie shudders. "I-I would never have a problem with you being gay, but hearing how you trusted everyone except me... It hurt okay, but what hurts is more is the thought that... I could have- <em>we</em> could have been- I don't know! A thing. I guess."</p><p>"Y-you wanted to be a thing?" Richie asks with wide eyes that are only amplified to a ludicrous size by those glasses.</p><p>"I- I don't know what I wanted, or what I want." Eddie says. "No one's ever asked me!"</p><p>"Well now I am." Richie wants to take a chance and take his hand but he hesitates and chickens out.</p><p> "Look, I'm sorry, I don't want to make this weird, I... I'm sorry." Eddie turns to leave, sounding and looking dazed.

</p><p>"Eddie, stop!" Richie stands to grab his wrist, Eddie looks back at him cautious but hopeful. He takes a seat back down and gestures for him to do the same next to a seriously perplexed Bill. "There's one more coming out story you need to hear."</p><p>XXX</p><p>He's getting the fuck out of this town and no one can stop him. Ben tries though. Gotta appreciate that.</p><p>"You can't just leave Derry, Richie!" He tries to tell him.</p><p>"Fucking watch me!" Richie snaps. </p><p>"At least stay for Bev!" Ben shouts as Richie dumps his clothes, that he had already dumped into the Inn's closet after he dumped them in his luggage from the pile at his condo where he had dumped them, in his luggage again.</p><p>"I already told you, I don't give a shit about any fucking curse!" Richie snaps.</p><p>"Not just about that!" Ben steps in front of him. </p><p>"The fuck are you talking about, Haystack?" Richie says impatiently.</p><p>"You. And... Bev."</p><p>Richie waits for him to get into details, anything that explains why he's upset. When Ben doesn't, Richie says. "What about us?"</p><p>"Rich... c'mon, she... she stills calls you her best friend. You two were always so close. Well not always. Ever since high school." He doesn't sound accusatory, if anything he sounds sad. And defeated. But Richie doesn't know why he feels he should sound accusing.</p><p>"So?"</p><p>Ben looks at him and sighs. "Richie, you've slept in her bed before."</p><p>"I was tired and had a sleepover with a friend." He shrugs. What was Ben going on about? "Benny-Boo, unless you say something valid to why I shouldn't high-tail out of the pit of despair that is Derry Maine, I'm gonna leave right about now."</p><p>And then it hits him.</p><p>"Oh. Oh! You think I'm in love with Bev!?" Richie laughs. Hard. So hard his side start hurting and he fears he'll pull a muscle because he's just that old. So hard that Ben starts to turn so bright red that Rich can see the blush even through the tears in his eyes. So, to be a good friend, Richie forces down laughter with a sigh. "I'll be fair, if I could, I'd probably fall in love her. She's a goddess."</p><p>Ben flusters, no doubt further humiliated by Richie's unrelenting laughter. But something about that phrasing doesn't sit right with him. "What do you mean, 'if you could'?"</p><p>Fed up, Richie said fuck it. It's 2016, they were both adults when gay marriage was legalized, he's already leaving. What's the worst that could happen? "Oh... let's just say that when Marissa Carson had a crush on Eddie Spaghetti way back when, it wasn't Eddie I was jealous of."</p><p>Ben squints his eyes at Richie, looking so confused. "Huh?"</p><p>"I was jealous of Marissa." Richie elaborates, waiting for the reaction, not that he fears Ben's hate, or at least expects it. He always fears that his friends will hate him for his dirty little secret, even when half his friends have already accepted him wholeheartedly, and without hesitation.</p><p>Ben's eyebrows wrinkle. "O-okay. You two were always such good friends. But what does that have to do with you and Bev."</p><p>Richie stares at him for a long time, shaking his head slowly, decking to go at this from a slightly different angle.</p><p>"Please, Benjamin." Richie rolls his eyes. "I got an inkling you were still head of heals for Miss Marsh the second I saw you two at the Chinese place entrance. And I only knew for sure the second I rang that gong and the others turned around."</p><p>"I-I don't under-"</p><p>"Oh, Benny Boo." Richie sighs, placing his head in his hands. "You don't seem the type to watch Netflix standup, but it doesn't matter anyway. I haven't had influence over the shit I spew out on a daily basis in years. I'm like a speech box with glasses, pretending I mean it when I talk about nonexistent girlfriends and all pussy I 'get'."</p><p>Ben looks uncomfortable.</p><p>"You know, I'm not sure if this would change a damn thing, but the worst part about amnesia for me at least is forgetting how much Bev and Stan and Mike just did not care when I told them.... Instead I end up forty years old, still telling sex jokes about hot women, and fucking anyone who I'd meet up at this gay club on the other side of town I'd frequent. It was always dark there. Dark and....”</p><p>"Okay... But why would you go to a gay club to sleep with women?" Ben asks with sincerity and genuine confusion.</p><p>"Oh, honey...." Richie shakes his head, because really. Really.</p><p>Really.</p><p>"What?" </p><p>"I'm gay. You sexy idiot."</p><p>Ben's eyes widen. Seemingly unsure, he starts laughing.</p><p>Richie shakes his head in shock at his.... whatever he's being right now. "No, no, don't do that."</p><p>"That's funny, Rich."</p><p>"I feel actual disappointment." Richie murmurs. "I'm not kidding, you weirdo. I'm gay. Why do you think I only liked going to Mr. Dillon's class in the tenth grade? He taught AP Chemistry, Ben. But God, he was hot."</p><p>Ben stares at him, even more unsure, but then starts to force his face into another smile.</p><p>"Don't laugh." Richie glares at him. "Don't you fucking laugh!"</p><p>That seems to make Ben finally have a realization. To be fair, Trashmouth Tozier not wanting someone to laugh is unheard of, so.... "Really?"</p><p>"Yes, you complete and utter idiot." Richie shakes his head again, because really! "Now shut up already. I'm leaving." He drags his luggage towards his door.</p><p>"Wait!" Ben calls after him. "You said you understood. You understood what I felt for Beverly when we went into the restaurant and saw the others. And I may be a bit oblivious-"</p><p>"Ben, you're fucking oblivious. If Dora the Explorer were here she'd hit you over the head with her talking backpack and tell you to see what's right in fucking front of you."</p><p>"- but," Ben continues. "I understand love. And I understand that when you love someone, like really love. Like 'you see them for the first time in a couple decades and you know in an instant that you still love them just by the way your heart beats when sh- he talks' love someone, you do anything for that for that person."</p><p>Richie swallows, trying hard not to think about how handsome he thought Eddie looked when they were at the restaurant, a feeling that really hasn't gone away ever since. Then again he's always been handsome, and even after all these years, he's still Eddie Spaghetti.</p><p>"And even when anything involves some stupid, embarrassing, or even dangerous things, you'll still do it, because that's just what you do when you love someone-"</p><p>"Shut up." Richie interrupts him, trying to blink back the tears in his eyes, trying not to think about how much he has a point about.

</p><p>"Was it Bill?" Ben asks almost knowingly, with a tiny little smirk. As if to say, 'Yeah, I know you'.</p><p>"Are you actually joking!?" Richie snaps. "You are a fucking flapper toy! How do you go from idiotically stupid to grandparent wise to 'Duh Doi' again?"</p><p>"So Mike?"</p><p>"Y-you're unreal. You're kidding. You are turning your own idiotic you against me, but it won't work!" </p><p>"Richie?" Ben smiles. Richie doesn't trust him. </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"Stay for Eddie." Ben says earnestly. "Fight for Eddie."</p><p>Richie feels his stomach turn. That fucking ache that he's come to associate with love. Love for Eddie to be specific. "Don't say stuff like that." Richie snaps. "Eddie's married. To a woman. An-and I still feel like- I still want to... I don't know! Call him pet names, and get his attention, and you know kiss him and stuff."</p><p>"Oh!" Ben blinks in amazement. "I thought all that teasing was platonic."</p><p>Richie ignores him. "And I know everyone says that liking- or loving, your own gender isn't something that can be helped, but I feel like I should at least be able to shrug this one thing off with a, 'It's not gonna happen', and move on with my sad, miserable life. But I can't."</p><p>Ben nods in understanding, not that Richie has much faith in what Ben Hanscom has the capability to understand after all of this. "Yeah, I've- I've been there."</p><p>"You're still there." Richie says dryly.</p><p>Ben hums. "I love you, Rich."</p><p>"That's really sweet." Richie deadpans, desperately needing to get back to something familiar. Specifically his humor, something he's always been able to fall back on before. "Unfortunately your personality as a whole is unattractive to me. Like, you make a great brotherly-friend, but you're just too sweet. I like my men with a certain hmph, a certain spice to them, you know?" And maybe he thinks of the many times Eddie  loses his temper with him, and all Little Richie could think was, 'what a man'. "So sadly any non-platonic relationship we could ever have would have to be purely sexual, and I don't want to assume, but I kinda doubt that you're the type."</p><p>Ben chokes. "Y-yeah, I mean no. No, I'm not the type- what?" He stumbles over his words like he's just now realizing that Richie was checking him out back when they first reunited.</p><p>"Do you actually want me to rank which one of you guys I'd want to bone the most." Richie asks, deciding to make Ben squirm.</p><p>"No one ever wanted you to do that." He says in a tight voice.</p><p>"Okay, first; Eddie." Richie states factually.</p><p>"Because you still love him?" Ben teases, smiling like a ninth-grader talking to her best friend about the boys they like.</p><p>"Partially. You remember him. You know, always screaming all the time. Yelling 'I'm gonna fucking kill you' at fucking It." Richie says, probably looking almost like a starry-eyed pre-teen as well. "He must be amazing in bed. Next; You. Because.... look at you."</p><p>"Oh God, you were actually hitting on me at the restaurant, weren't you?" Ben says in the horror of hindsight.</p><p>"Oh look, he's not completely devoid of any gaydar!" Richie laughs. "Again, look at you. Then Mike, then Stan. Stan is married, and also like my brother, not that Mike or you aren't like my brothers, but he's special. Then Beverly. And then Bill."</p><p>"Wait, you'd rather sleep with someone you're not attracted to than Bill?" Ben asks.</p><p>"What's the difference?" Richie asks, honestly confused.</p><p>Ben corrects himself. "You'd rather sleep with a woman than Bi-"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>And then neither can hold back laughter, clutching at each other to keep from rolling on the floor. When they're done, Ben wipes at his eyes.</p><p>"We can do it, Rich." Ben smiles ear to ear with an amount of optimism Richie couldn't have mustered when he was twelve, let alone as a lonely grown-ass comedian. "We can kill It, remember each other, and move on past our trauma- and," his voice wavers, "from feelings we have no right feeling." His smile dips.</p><p>Richie shakes his head. "Will we?"</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"Twenty seven fucking years past, and- and we're still stupid-ass children." Richie laughs dryly. "And I remember telling myself a long time ago that, 'Hey! Just get through all this shit alive and it's all just some depressing memory I don't have to think about. Right?' Well look at me now! Telling myself that at least when I'm seventy I'll have sorted out my shit, and I won't have to deal with any crap like this, but I'm starting to think that there will never be a point in my life when I'm not screwed up as fuck."</p><p>Ben is silent, listening carefully. Maybe he's processing silently, but even still Richie appreciates him for giving him the chance to rant for the moment. He really needs to get this shit out. Fuck, he needs a shrink, doesn't he?</p><p>"Because you know what? When you're an absolute heartbroken idiot as a kid, you tell yourself that someday you'll have everything figured out... that the phase will pass, and you'll be normal, and everything we're so unsure of will be worked out! And on the surface; yeah! We are all stupid successful. But I think we both know that at least the two of us are still as fucked up twenty seven years later. Seriously. How the fuck did we both end up unmarried, almost middle-aged, and still pining after the objects of our childhood crushes that we had when we were twelve year olds?" Richie scoffs.</p><p>Despite the moment Ben laughs. "That's the novelty of the Losers Club, I guess, maybe we all grew up to be successful on the surface level, but we were all winners back then, on the inside, not the surface, because we all had each other, but without each other we were all losers on the inside. For real this time."</p><p>"Cheesy." Richie murmurs. "But true."</p><p>"Twenty seven years and Bev's still the most beautiful thing I've ever set my eyes on." Ben sighs, maybe at the absurdity, maybe out of frustration with himself.</p><p>Richie nods in understanding. "Twenty seven years later and I'm still pulling Ed's pigtails."</p><p>"Rich, I-I think you have a real point but... but I think that the problem's not that we're all still clueless, it's that for the past few decades all any of us have been doing is repressing, and ignoring, and not thinking about it. Maybe we should think about it."</p><p>Richie is silent. Haystack raises a good point, but Richie's not sure if he wants to do that. He still loves Eddie Kaspbrak, and he is as about as willing to do anything about that as he was twenty seven years ago, and that's not changing anytime soon. When the moment passes, he'll lie about staying and hit the road. But for now he's having a moment with someone he thinks of as a brother.</p><p>"Look at us." Richie sighs, dropping his head on Ben's shoulder. "Seriously. Two forty year old lovesick losers. It's the most pathetic thing you've ever seen."</p><p>"Eh. Maybe." Ben shrugs, unintentionally knocking their heads together. "Sorry." They both groan in pain and Ben relents. "Yeah, okay maybe. But hey, becoming a loser is still the best thing that ever happened to me."</p><p>And later, Richie, in the horrors of Neibolt house, where he or the people he loves most could die at any second at the courtesy of a child-murdering clown, will manage to find a moment to pull Bev aside and whisper. "If I were you, I'd choose Ben. He's.... better than Bill."</p><p>XXX</p><p>"Was that last part really necessary?" Bill groans, but neither Eddie or Richie acknowledge his presence, instead lost in their own world, staring deeply into each other's eyes on complete and utter shock and fear. And maybe something else.</p><p>Finally, Eddie stands up, stepping to the other side of the table until he's in front of Richie, and holds out a hand. Richie takes it without a word and pulls himself up.</p><p>A moment passes where it's just a silent conversation playing between the two, when finally, Eddie jerks forward and kisses him right on the mouth. He tastes like rediscovered dreams and hopeful beginnings. It doesn't take long for Richie to melt into the kiss. And then into his arms.</p><p>"Why was I even here?" Bill asks himself, because the couple in front of him most certainly are not paying him any attention.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay, who wants to guess when Ben started playing dumb? Even I don't know. But he had to at some point. He had to...</p></blockquote></div></div>
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